Best Days of My Life
by amandajz
Summary: What's really going on inside of Johnny's head? Is he really happy with Olivia, or does he miss Lulu a whole lot more than he lets on? One-Shot. Jolu


**This was inspired by the song 'Best Days of Your Life', but Kellie Pickler. The lyrics are in italics. I hope you like it and please let me know your thoughts!**

_**Best Days of My Life**_

Breathing deeply, Johnny reluctantly made his way off of the elevator and slowly began trudging down the hall towards the apartment that was quickly becoming extremely familiar to him. He had been spending a lot of time there recently, and he himself wasn't even sure why. It wasn't as if he enjoyed himself while he was there; but then again he wasn't exactly miserable either. Being there and spending time with her was just okay…nothing more, nothing less. At least it had been okay in the beginning.

Spending time with her and talking with her was easy at first. She was an unusual, but welcome, distraction and he found himself looking forward to seeing her just so that she could help take his mind off of everything, and most importantly everyone, that he was desperately trying to forget. The thrill of being with the 'unforbidden' was quickly wearing off though, and rather than actually being there because he wanted to be, he found himself being there simply because he had nowhere else to go.

His sister was too wrapped up her in own schemes and lies to even have time to think about him or his well-being, and her recent actions had royally pissed him off, causing him to need some much needed time away from her and her absolutely ridiculous ideas. Going to her was not an option. Neither was going to Maxie or Spinelli, two people he had considered friends in the past. Spinelli no longer gave him the time of day due the fact that the computer genius felt betrayed by his nauseating history with Maxie, and after all the problems that he had caused in Maxie and Spinelli's relationship, or whatever it was that they had going on, Johnny couldn't blame Spin for writing him off as nothing more than a lying, cheating bastard. And although he was pretty sure that Maxie still thought of him as a friend and that she would be there for him as a friend if he wanted her to be, he didn't want to cause any more problems than he already had between her and Spinelli; so going to her was not an option either.

He could always seek out Jason or Michael, two people he had become somewhat friendly with over the past few weeks. He didn't know either one of them all that well though, and they both had problems of their own to deal with. He didn't think asking them to drop their problems simply so they could listen to him complain about his life, which he himself had done a fine job in making miserable, would sit well with either one of them though, and he certainly didn't think it would sit well with Sonny. His brother-in-law hated him with a passion for many reasons, the number one reason undoubtedly being Johnny's recurring presence at the very apartment whose door he was currently standing in front of. Sonny would fly off the handle if he ever found out that Johnny went willingly to Michael, or even Jason, for personal advice, definitely making neither of them options.

Johnny had never had many friends, and seeing as most of his acquaintances were no longer options, that left him with only two others to seek out. The one person he wanted to go to the most, who he wanted to see the most and talk to the most and spend his time with the most, had not been an option to him for a while now. No, he had broken her heart, he had made her cry…two things he swore to her and to himself that he would never do. And yet, he had done them both willingly. He had knowingly and willingly crushed her beautiful heart just to lessen the pain that she would undoubtedly feel in the end anyway. He had been a coward when it came to her, and rather than disappointing her and hurting her with the truth, he had chosen to take the easy way out and had ended up hurting her even more with the lies he had told her. He had lost all rights to be with her and to see her when he had destroyed their relationship. When it came to her, he had lost all rights period.

That only left him with the person who he had been shacking up with for weeks now. She was easy to get along with, she made him dinner from time to time, she laughed at his lame jokes, and she helped pass the time with ease. There were no secrets between them and he didn't feel the need to cover all the time or to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. He supposed she wasn't the best alternative, but she was the only option he had. It was either her or spending all his time alone in the garage where he had nothing but memories of first making the decision to break the love of his life's heart, and in the end, the former always won out. If he had the choice, it wasn't her that he'd choose, but it was her or nothing…and at the moment, she was better than nothing.

Stepping closer to the entrance of her apartment, he forced himself to knock on the door quickly, before he had the chance to leave and pretend as if he had never even been there at all. Had she not left him a voicemail asking him to meet her at her place that night, he most likely would not have been there at all. But she had asked him, and not wanting to damage the last semi-good relationship he had left, he had halfheartedly made the short trip across town to her apartment.

Johnny gasped in surprise when the door flew open at what he assumed was mach-speed, and Olivia appeared in front of him dressed in a barely there mini-skirt and an extremely revealing, low-cut top that left little to the imagination. He was used her clothing being a little on the skimpy side, but her current outfit was bordering on slutty. If there was one complaint he had about her, it definitely had to do with her choice of clothing. He preferred women who dressed with class and elegance, like Lulu. She respected her body and herself enough to know that she didn't need to wear revealing clothing to make herself more appealing or attractive. And because of that, she had appealed to Johnny even more. In fact, it didn't matter what she wore, because there was never one moment, even now when he saw her from a distance, when he didn't find her absolutely breathtaking.

"Hey baby," Olivia purred, breaking him out of his Lulu-invaded thoughts. She reached a hand out and ran it down his chest before pulling him to her with one hand and shutting the door behind them with her other hand. "I'm so glad you're here," she whispered huskily. "There are a lot of things I want to discuss with you tonight."

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Johnny asked, distracted by the table set for two that sat in the middle of the tiny living room. Moving out of Olivia's grasp, he looked around for the first time to notice that everything was completely dark, save for the light that stemmed from the numerous candles that were strategically placed throughout every crevice of the room. The set-up reminded him of one of those fancy, romantic honeymoon suites that he had saw in some of the chick flicks that Lulu had made him watch on rare occasions, and that fact not only confused him, but also made him uncomfortable. Olivia had obviously put some thought into rearranging the room for the night and absolutely everything about it was a red flag for him; in fact, it screamed at him to get out while he still could.

"Um, what is all this?" he asked, gesturing to the dinner table and the insane amount of candles.

"Oh, it's nothing really," Olivia answered, sitting down and motioning for Johnny to do the same. "I just thought it would be nice to have dinner together…you know, just to change things up a little bit. That is, unless you'd like to skip dinner and go straight to dessert?"

The sight of Olivia wiggling her eyebrows at him, as if he were some piece of meat that she couldn't wait to devour, was enough to make his stomach turn. Any other night, he would've been game for a quick roll in the hay, but not tonight. He just wasn't in the mood…not for talking, not for eating, and certainly not for sex. In fact, he wasn't in the mood for Olivia period.

"I'm actually starving," Johnny lied, not having the heart to tell her just yet that he didn't plan on staying over that night. At seeing the scheming look that flashed across her face, he realized that he had given her the wrong idea and he quickly clarified, "I'm starving for real food that is."

Johnny saw disappointment flash in her brown eyes for a brief second, but she covered quickly by waving her hand in the air as if it were no big deal and saying, "Well, then by all means, we should eat. We'll have plenty of time for dessert later."

She winked at him from across the table before she got up and began making her way towards the kitchen. She stopped midway and looked back at Johnny, saying, "And I want to apologize in advance for ordering take-out. I had planned on cooking for you, but then Jax wanted me to help take care of some stuff at Crimson, seeing as Kate's still on business in France, and I just didn't have time to get to the store."

"Oh, no worries," Johnny mumbled, forcing a smile in her direction as she turned back around and continued on her way into the kitchen.

He was trying to think of an excuse as to why he wouldn't be able to stay over that night when Olivia returned from the kitchen, carrying two plates of chicken alfredo. She set a plate down in front of him before making her way to her side of the table and setting her plate down as well. "I hope you like it," she smiled, watching him as he twirled the pasta around his fork.

"I'm sure I will. Chicken alfredo is my favorite," Johnny said, lifting a forkful of the delicious aroma to his mouth and taking a bite. His eyes lit up in surprise as the familiar flavor took over his sense of taste. "I especially love it when it's from the Metro Court. This is seriously my most favorite meal of all time."

"I know," Olivia smiled, her eyes shining bright with satisfaction. At seeing Johnny's questioning look, she quickly explained, "I ran into Lulu at Crimson today, and after I explained how late I was running on tonight's preparations, she recommended that I get take-out. Because of your former relationship with her, I figured that she must know you pretty well, so I asked her if she had any suggestions, and she told me that chicken alfredo from the Metro Court is your favorite. So, that's what I decided to go with."

"You spoke with my girl…I mean ex-girlfriend….about me?" Johnny stumbled, angry that Olivia had even brought up his name while talking to Lulu. He had hurt her enough already…the last thing he wanted was for his now friend, who he had an occasional romp with, to be asking his ex-girlfriend for advice about him. He didn't want Olivia to be flashing his and her relationship, or whatever it was that they were in, in Lulu's face.

"Well, yeah," Olivia answered, as if it were no big deal. "And she is such a doll. She was more than willing to give me some suggestions and she…,"

Olivia went on, but her words were going in one ear and out the other. He couldn't register a word the woman across from him was saying because his thoughts were completely focused on Lulu, who was never far from his mind.

He smiled to himself, thinking that was just like her. She had the biggest heart of anyone that he had ever met, and it didn't surprise him that instead of completely ignoring Olivia or giving her a sarcastic one-liner like he knew she was capable of, that she had instead put her anger and bitterness aside in order to help a woman that she owed absolutely nothing to. Hell, she could have told Olivia a bunch of bullshit and said that his favorite meal was crusted duck or some other ridiculously over-priced and disgusting entrée that he hated, but she had instead taken the high-road and put Olivia's feelings in front of her own. Although it wasn't always the case, Lulu often sacrificed her own needs for those she cared about, and that was one of the things that he loved most about her.

"So anyways," Olivia said, breaking Johnny from his thoughts as her hand snuck across the table and intertwined itself with his, "I was thinking that tonight would be a great time to talk about us."

Johnny's eyes grew wide as that two-letter word that held so much meaning left her mouth, and he physically had to stop himself from withdrawing his hand from hers. He and Olivia were separate entities and that was something he had _never_ planned on changing. They were never going to become a 'we' or an 'us' or a 'them'. He was going to stay Johnny and she was going to stay Olivia…they were never ever going to become Johnny _and _Olivia. And although he had never physically said that much, he had always thought that it was clearly implied. But apparently, it wasn't. Gulping nervously, he looked her in the eye and asked hesitantly, "Um, what exactly do you mean by 'us'?"

"Well, I mean you and I of course," Olivia cooed, running slow circles over the palm of his hand with her thumb. "Now, I know that you and I are just having fun. We like each other's company, we get along, we don't question each other, we have great physical chemistry, and well, we just enjoy each other period. And don't get me wrong, because that's been working out great for me, but lately I've been thinking that as great as we are now, that we could be even better together."

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I want us to be together…for real," Olivia answered, her face brightening as she began gushing on and on about the plans she had for them. She wanted them to go out on real dates, she wanted them to be seen together in public, and she wanted them to confess their feelings for each other just as real couples did. She spoke of her wish to introduce him to Dante, and her dreams for them to maybe take the next step one day by committing their lives to each other and starting a family of their own together.

Olivia kept gushing on and on, while Johnny once again succeeded in tuning her out. All of this had come out of nowhere and he had absolutely no idea how they had gone from being fuck buddies to all of a sudden being married one day. Maybe he had given her the wrong impression, or maybe she just had misread his signals, he didn't really know. There was one thing he knew for sure though; he didn't want a relationship with Olivia, he didn't want a life with her, he didn't want a family with her, he didn't want anything at all with her.

In that moment he realized that this was as good as it was going to get. Without Lulu, the best chance he had at living a somewhat meaningful life was by being with Olivia. Whether it was a relationship built on real feelings, or one built on no-strings-attached sex, being with Olivia would be his best shot at happiness, and he was unwilling to settle for a life that he knew he would never be truly content with. He couldn't live his life pretending to be happy with one woman, when it was really someone else that he wanted. He couldn't pretend to be committed to Olivia, when it was Lulu who invaded his every thought. He couldn't go to sleep every night with Olivia by his side when he knew it was Lulu he wanted lying next to him. He couldn't make love to Olivia when it was Lulu he wanted to be laying underneath him as he loved her over and over and over again. He couldn't start a life or a family with Olivia when he knew in his heart that it was Lulu's love and Lulu's children that he wanted. He couldn't pretend that it didn't affect him to be around Lulu when it affected more than he would ever be able to admit. .

He just couldn't pretend that his life would be perfect with Olivia, when it would only ever be perfect if it was _Lulu_ standing beside him. It wouldn't be fair to Olivia, or any other woman for that matter, and it wouldn't be fair to him. He owed it to himself to give himself a shot at a truly blissful life, because if he didn't, he would end up spending the rest of his life wondering 'what if?'

Drawing his hand away from Olivia's, he quickly stood up and flashed her what he hoped was an apologetic smile before saying, "I'm really sorry, but I just can't do this anymore."

Her face fell instantly, and she started asking him what was wrong, but he was already out the door by the time she finished her question.

Johnny ran down the hallway and into the stairwell, taking the stairs two at a time. There was only one person who had ever made him truly happy, and he had thrown that happiness away because of his own stupidity. He knew then that it would be difficult to pretend that she didn't' matter to him, but he had never expected it to be nearly impossible. And what he didn't know then, he definitely knew now; no matter where he went or who he met, there would never be anyone for him but her. No one would ever be able to replace her, no one would ever be able to take his breath away like she did, and no one would be able to make his heart beat as fast, his heart flutter as much. Not only would no one ever compare to her…he didn't _want_ anyone to compare to her. She was it for him and it was about damn time he pulled his head out of his ass and told her that.

He raced out of the lobby of the apartment and quickly made his way to his car, hoping against hope that he could get to her before it was too late. She was everything that ever mattered to him, and he didn't know how he'd go on without her for the rest of his life.

He knew he had no right to talk to her, or even to see her, but he would be damned if he was going to let her go without a fight. He had been unbelievably stupid when he had given her up, when he hadn't been willing to fight for because he hadn't known what life would be like without her, but now that he knew that life without her was indeed hell, he was unwilling to settle for anything less than the her…he was unwilling to settle for anything less than the best. He knew he didn't deserve her forgiveness or her love, but he was too selfish to even care if he deserved it or not. He would beg, he would grovel, and he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her if it meant she could somehow forgive him. And even if she couldn't forgive him now, he would vow to spend the rest of his life in trying to earn her forgiveness, because she was worth it.

She was the best thing that ever happened to him. He had already had the best days of his life, and he was willing to do anything and everything in his power to get those days back.

'_Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind  
From the day we met till you were making me cry  
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days  
The best days of your life_

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_**Please Review!**_


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